Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.