Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum