[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Last-minute gift idea!
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan