[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Not my job 😂
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems