(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”