Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move