“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.