@BoozeWallet: [pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics
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@thezachmaginnis: My sister told me to "take the spider out" instead of "kill" it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@EndhooS: Taco guy: guac costs extra Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free Taco Guy: guac is free… Anakin: why'd u even pay for the taco? Obi Wan: dammit
@AdamSerwer: In Trump's America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.
@EvansPosts: this girl was just sitting on the floor at the gym on her phone and she looked up at me and said “my boyfriend can see my location and i promised him i was gonna go to the gym more so now i just sit here and watch netflix” LMAOOOOO