@juicymorsel: Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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@ElKnuckelhombre: Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?
@puffin7911: When I say to my kids "sit here and watch cartoons" they hear "come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy."
@theshantilly: Non-tweeting friend: "So it's like FB?" Me: "Except everyone's mean & sarcastic & brutally honest." "Sounds awf..." "Awesome. I know."