Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You Might Also Like
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Erm I’m gonna say no
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.