@juicymorsel: Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Most women love it when you play with their hair in public Their husbands not so much
@Sarcasmo718: My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper.
@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
@sarcasticmommy4: My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they're building a Jenga puzzle. Have kids. It's fun.