Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played