[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.