@CornOnTheGoblin: [pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]... the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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@JPHaddadio: Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
@machiavellino: (i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby... is this woman bothering you
@TheBoydP: Wife: Where'd you buy my gift? Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right? Me: Coupon? *wife faints*