[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?