@matt___nelson: *pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I'm walking in the wrong direction*
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@70Ceeks: son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said "and here's the liar in her natural habitat"
@boburnham: Life is always one step forward, two steps back...Then slide to the left...Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
@Rollmaninoz: [date] Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct
@AaronFullerton: If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.