@matt___nelson: *pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I'm walking in the wrong direction*
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog
@WheelTod: I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven't even read it yet, but somehow folks think it's cool to give key plot points away
@shutupmikeginn: You gotta give it up to whoever invented mistletoe at Christmas, all they did was hang up a weed, but were like, "now ye must kiss me."
@dulcetry: [me, to my brother] I can't believe we've never been to Coachella [my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife