*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
There’s always that one guy
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Rich people don’t understand cereal
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]