ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Brb my Sims are getting married
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.