Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
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[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”