*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Friday night party time 🥳
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.