Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
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Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.