@murrman5: [on way to play charades with gf's family] I don't wanna go why I don't wanna look silly you won't *first thing I have to act out is pasta*

@truegritrumble: *trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

@GABBYdaAngSaya: Boss: I suspect one of you is dead [Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

@coketruck76: Me: I'm into fitness Trainer: not again M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth T: you should go M: this isn't going to "workout" T: LEAVE NOW

@rachelle_mandik: people say they're "over the moon" when they're happy, but it's a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over