Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.