Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.