The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
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Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.