pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Spring cleaning checklist…
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
BaD BoY!!