pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*