Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
You Might Also Like
🏙👨🏼
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey