ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
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I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.