Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.