If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.