@prodigalsam: Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said "Can you hear me now?" the NSA was quietly answering "Yes we can."
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@dyldonot: [consoling grieving widow] so I guess you'll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
@LoveNLunchmeat: People are like, "You're not allowed to have a favorite child." Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, "BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!"
@Ygrene: [first date] DATE: so you love dogs? ME: yes, I relate to them very much DATE: aww that's swee- [a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
@BeerBatterBeard: The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as "famous."