Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!