Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?