Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
that colleague who touches your screen
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.