My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
You Might Also Like
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.