Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.