Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning