My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky