pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
the icebreaker
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.