Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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what does he know…
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.