Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My life in a nutshell
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.