Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.