Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.