Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I wish I were this cool 😂