*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you