*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
oh shit
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto