@petemandik: Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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@TheMichaelRock: I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
@TravLeBlanc: I predict that Obama's next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out