Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.