Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon