I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
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rise and shine we got egg
Just a bush.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.