@bourgeoisalien: pretty jealous of bears. they're like, "well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I'm gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater"
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@2tickytacky: He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
@simoncholland: My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
@ch000ch: hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
@CourtneyBale: Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.