pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.