Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Sheep
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo