@lazerdoov: Pretty lame how horses and dogs don't capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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@Rainbowbunee: My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate Easier & we can have fun with it Mrs Velociraptor.
@wickedsuga: Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.
@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.
@flashember: WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES