pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.