Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
me doing my best
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.