Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
You Might Also Like
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.